Scores are In

So the scores came in a few hours earlier than expected….and….I didn't pass.  I missed it by 3 points. I hardly slept a wink last night just thinking about my writing and what could have gone wrong.  I knew my writing entry was weak for a few reasons.  First reason, I didn't pick anyone during the school year to focus on.  I just saved all the student writing and looked through it ALL (in May) to see if I could find good candidates to write about.  This meant I would have to remember what I did specifically to direct their writing forward. NOT an easy task.  And the second reason…I had begun my fury of writing over Memorial Day weekend and my husband lost his job on that Monday holiday.  I was 7 months pregnant at the time and I was now the only income. Needless to say, it was HARD to stay focused while writing. If I hadn't procrastinated I more than likely would have done better on this entry.  But because of procrastination I had to finish it under a stressful situation.  Third reason is I am just crap at writing! Sometimes I look at my blog and think, "boy I ramble!" But I write what's going through my head and I try to filter as much as I can before I hit publish. And final reason was i didn't have enough faith and confidence in myself. I went through the process with some extremely talented teachers who to be perfectly honest intimidate me with how amazing they are as teachers and as regular every day people. I often felt like maybe I won't pass this thing so it's quite likely I set myself up for failure. 

But whatever the reason may be I made the decision to be open and honest about it. I have never come across how anyone felt when they didn't make it the first year so here it is. Let me walk you through my results and the roller coaster of emotions that I am feeling.

I did very well on 2 of the 3 entries I spent the most time on.  I got a level 4 score on my documentation entry (#4) and a level 3 score on my social studies entry (#2).  Both entry 1 and 3 I earned a level 2 score (not passing). In the exam I passed all parts except for 2. Those aren't weighted as heavily so for me to pass next year I will only need to pick one entry to redo. I only need 3 more points to pass so I know focusing on one can help me.

So my emotions. Well I can get pretty anxious and when I saw my results and came to understand that I had not passed my heart sank. My husband is still without a job and my district pays for national board certification. We are given an automatic 7.5% pay increase. For me that translated to nearly $5,000. Something we REALLY need right now. I've been doing my best to create new TpT products (while working and being mom and trying to get healthy so I can be around for them longer) just to hopefully make a little extra cash but I can't churn it out fast enough! My list of "to create" is a mile long but finding the time to do it is just hard. I get about 2-4 hours a week.

So of course I cried not only for not getting the pay increase for my family  but for feeling like a failure. I am my own worst critic and feel like I've let myself down big time. I know myself however and while I cry today I'll pick myself up tomorrow, brush off the dust and get back to work. "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Lol I just need the time to mourn  "what could've been" today.

Tomorrow I begin the process of looking for grants/scholarships for retake candidates. We can't afford it so I pray to find it. I'm also trying to think of other ways to get the funding...maybe see if my school site council would invest in me? Ha! Maybe wishful thinking but it's worth a try, right?!

Writing this has been very therapeutic and I'm sure I've rambled! Those of you who have started following me for the NBC help well now I'm your cohort! I will finish no matter what. Good luck to you all and most of all trust and believe that you can do this!